so i'll start posting my forreal shit on here, since people are getting offended when i put it on my public blog.

i'm not happy with myself. i'm not happy with life. i can't believe you're spending the night at her house. what the hell? and the only reason her mom is letting you is because she's glad that you're fucking back in her life. since she was so 'depressed'. you don't know depressed. look at me. and as for you, mind your own fucking business. your goal was to make me feel like shit, well, you achieved. now excuse me while i go kill myself. sike. but i need something. someone. to keep me going. i'm going to break down. soon. i can feel it. i need someone to keep me from doing something drastic. but i don't want to have to have someone or something to keep me from hurting myself. i want to be on my own. and i should be on my own before relying on someone else. but frankly, i just don't fucking care. i want you. i miss you. so bad. it kills me. i feel dead. barely breathing.

I'm in the library, 7:21 before my algebra 2 class starts.
I printed out a newspaper article on teen driving for drivers ed.
go me.
2 days.
so excited.
but I know I'll be fucking depressed when I come home.
maybe that's why I've been sorta down later.
I really don't want to go to algebra.
or english.
or world history.
I HATE world history.
I'm listening to the friday night boys.
I'm still a loner, being the new kid and all.
but not really.
I like you.
I want you.
I wished for you at 11:11 last night.
but you probably don't even know it.
you probably don't think I like you anymore.
well, I do.
and the fact that I don't know if you read these or not kills me.
bye.

I've realized that I only write on here when I'm depressed or mad or something.
so I probably seem like a pretty fucking negative person.
well, I'm not.
usually.
I had a really bad day.
I'm just hoping that I'm pmsing.
people really fucking piss me off.
I just want to sleep.
and not worry about anything at all.
I guess I'm not capable of that.
tomorrow's friday.
I'm going to see chase coy with my friend.
it should, and better be fun.
she's funny though so it'll be fine.
I really want some weed.
I wanna wake up early one morning, get stoned, paint, and go to school.
I wish I could do that every morning.
cause I'm a fucking pothead, yup.
actually, I'm not.
ajnklfdnasjk;adnsjkf;dasnjfkldasnfjkldas yeah.
I'm not happy.
at all.
I look at the people around me, and I wonder how they can be so happy.
or maybe they're not, but they just seem like they are.
and then I wonder if I'm like that.
I'm generally a happy person, but today I'm not.
and I haven't really been, I've just been okay, content.
this is going to sound shallow and dependent, but I need someone.

looool I love my best friend.
school, friday.
woot.
weekend's gonna be fun.

 I'm not here. 
or maybe I wish I wasn't.
I want a cuuuuute boy to tell me I'm beautiful and to be there for me.
but what girl honestly doesn't want that?
whatever.
my life doesn't revolve around it.
or maybe I'm trying to tell myself that.
COIN-OPERATED BOY.
yep.
good song.
I have so much fucking homework to do today.
I need to stop eating.
I used to not eat for weeks straight, but now I eat all the time and I'm getting fat.
I need to like write on my fridge to remind me.
my hip hurts.
I wonder why.
I want to figure out how to work garage band so I can make music.
I want to find time to paint, and write.
but I don't have time, ever.
horseback riding, school, homework.
is basically what I do.
and somehow I find time to hang out with people and talk to people and all that social shit.
I want close friends.
I want a best friend.
all mine, just one person, who calls me their best friend and I call them mine.
I mean I have best friends, but they don't live here.
22 DAYS.
I'm so stoked.

 iwantyouiwantyouiwantyouiwantyouiwantyouiwantyouiwantyouiwantyouiwantyouiwantyou.
maybe it's forreal this time.
I hope.
I wanna see where the wild things are.
so bad.
I bet I'm gonna cry.
ahahha I'm a pussy.
I'm watching foster's home for imaginary friends.
I haven't watched it in forever.
I want flapjack to come on.
I have a headache.
I could be hanging out with people right now.
but I didn't want to.
well, I might later.
but not now.
I wanna paint.

 I haven't written on tthis for a while. I read some of my last entries and I remember that hha. hasn't been that long. I would write in here explaining my feelings and shit like I've obviously done before but it's not even worth it. it's just gonna confuse me more, and I don't even care anymore. what happens, happens.

 today I was in the car while my mom was in staples, and for some reason, I thought about how I called you while I was in nyc and how different your voice sounded.
and how I wish I could hear it again.
but then I reminded myself that you were worthless and I should just forget you.
and if I don't, then I don't even know what will happen.
I have a better guy now.
I should focus on him.
not on you.
so, stop talking to me.
but maybe that will make it worse, because I'll want to talk to you, and it'll make me think about you.
I don't know.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
there's a lot wrong with me.
too bad, I guess.

 and I can't help but wonder, if he talked to his ex girlfriend when I was dating him the way he talks to me while he's talking to this new girl.
^ and that probably really confused you.
anyways.
he tells me he misses me and all this bull shit, and I bet he told her the same thing.
and I bet he's telling the new girl about how I'm such a bitch and how I ruined his life, just like he told me about his ex.
and I don't really care, actually, but it just popped up in my head.
I don't have time to care for much anymore.
with my new horse, and school starting.
but I somehow still find time to make stupid youtube videos.
why don't you go subscribe.
www.youtube.com/akissforally
so I'm sitting here, 12:50 on friday, august 28.
when my mom gets home from the grocery store, we are going to go to the horse feed store to get horse feed and supplements, and stuff like that.
and then hopefully going to my new barn tonight to bring some stuff to get  ready for bubba to get there.
yesterday, I went out to his barn about 3 hours away and the vet came out there and gave him an exam and floated his teeth.
it was so funny, he was drugged up.
and I just completely lost my train of thought..
I have family coming in about 4 days.
which is when bubba is going to his new home.
I don't know if I can last all weekend without being around him.
oh well, I'll read my summer reading book and hang out with THAI KID, hopefully.
and I made an awesome video last night, but for some reason it won't upload to youtube, and it's pissing me off.
it's 12:54 now.
I think I'm anorexic.
or something.
I know I have an eating problem.
and I have no idea why I just wrote that.
maybe because my stomach growled, and I immediately told myself that I couldn't eat.
I got about 8 or 9 hours of sleep last night.
that's not too bad.
I'm gonna go now.
bai.

this is an edit.
because I didn't write in here yesterday.
yesterday morning, I woke up, missing you terribly.
again.
this feeling needs to leave me alone.
and tody, you texted me.
"miss you."
yeah, right.
either stop lying or stop talking to me all together.
serendipity is not on your side.
that was just in the song I'm listening to.
and it seems to fit my feeling right.
and now I'm going to look up what serendipity exactly means.
good fortune; luck.
there isn't even a matter of luck in what's going on.
if anything is even going on.
fuck, I can't even explain it.
I hate that feeling.
I almost feel obligated, to myself, to somehow know how I feel, and what I think.
if I feel or think at all.
and lately, I don't think I do.
I just feel like a person in this world.
just another ordinary person.
and I mean, that's what I am, to other people.
but not to me.
everyone is ordinary to me, because I don't know how they feel and what they think.
but I should know what I feel and think, therefore, making me unordinary in my eyes.
but it just isn't working out like that.

 today's one of those days where I miss you.
no no no, I'm not sad or depressed or killing myself over it.
it's just a longing feeling that's aching in my stomach.
like hunger, but worse.
and I have no idea why.
I thought I was over you.
and I probably am.
because I never think about you anymore.
at least, not like I used to.
and once again, I don't know what I'm thinking, feeling.
all I feel is that aching in my stomach.
and it's giving me a headache.
what is it I miss, though?
your touch?
well that's a decent explanation.
even though I don't think I ever felt like this when I wasn't with you, and I hardly saw you once a week.
and I don't remember enjoying talking to you.
but I should, because I know I did.
or else I wouldn't have felt for you the way I did.
and I have no idea what I'm talking about.
my fingers are just moving across the keyboard as I think.
and a train just interrupted my train of thought..
oh well, it's not like I had one in the first place.
WAIT.
^ that was sort of a pun.
I think.
I actually don't know what a pun is exactly.
I just know it's a play of words.
which makes me feel stupid.
and there goes the ADHD again.
okay.
I think I'm done.
I'll probably write more later, because thoughts are fizzing deep down inside of me, and when they explode.
help me God.
literally.
I haven't been as loyal as I was planning to.
I should change that.
bye.

 I'm finally over you.
and I'm feeling greater than I ever have.

 who knew something could hurt so much.
surely not I.
and I don't want to be upset about it, but it's sort of hard to avoid now.
and it's funny how someone could be so strong and hurtful behind a computer screen or on a phone, but I KNOW he couldn't say all those things to my face.
because I KNOW he'd feel bad.
that's just how he is.
or maybe he's changed.
I don't know.
I don't him anymore.
and I thought i wanted to.
I wanted to be friends.
and it's possible too, one of my exes is one of my best friends.
but I guess not with him.
it's so off and on.
yesterday, we were fine.
talking like normal, civilized people.
but today.
I don't know what happened.
and I don't think I want to know.
all I know is I'm hurt.
for the first time in while.
are you happy roger?
good.

memories are all I have now.
that's why I hold them so dear.
most people would be like, oh, they're in my head, so I shouldn't have materialistic reminders of them.
different for me.
I have a box of things that I hold very dear, very great memories that I never want to forget.
and they are all I have.
I don't have friends here.
I don't have memories here.
I don't have anything.
and I never want to replace the friends or memories I already have.
just add to them.
if even that.
I've sort of already given up on the people here.
who knows why.
and it's not fair for them.
I'm afraid that everyone at my school will be snobby and materialistic.
unreal.
and I absolutely hate that.
and yeah, I know everyone says that.
but they are usually the ones who are snobby.
so I sort of sound like a hypocrite.
but I am.
and I think about all the people who stick their noses in the air like they're better than everyone else, and I realize, that I sometimes do that.
or maybe I just appear to be like that, because I can be shy.
or used to be.
I've changed.
but I wonder if people view me as being snobby, or just shy.
there's a huge difference.
and I don't necessarily care about what people think about me, but I want to know how the human mind works.
I want to know how it functions.
one thing I want to know.
and I think they've done studies.
people who grew up speaking a foreign language, I wonder if in their head, they are speaking the foreign language, or it automatically translates to english.
if english is the base language.
and I have no idea why I wonder that.
maybe it's because since I take french, I have to translate in my head what the words mean before I can understand it.
and I just wonder if people who grew up with the language sliding off of their tongue think like that as well.

I miss him.
terribly.
maybe it's because he's gone, not mine, is what makes me miss him.
but regardless, I do.
I'm having withdrawals.
but I haven't cried in weeks.
which is odd for me, because when I'm this depressed, I usually cry.
a lot.
I'm a fucking cry baby.
or maybe I'm to the point where tears don't relieve it anymore.
not like they ever did, but I know what I'm trying to say.
and frankly, I don't really care that I moved.
sure, I miss the people.
but not so terribly that it depresses me.
just him.
and that sounds so fucking shallow, I can't even begin to believe I just said that.
maybe it just hasn't hit me yet.
but if it's hit me that he's gone, then why wouldn't I be torn over my other friends as well?
I don't know.
I never do.

 who knew 10 simple words could hurt so much.
and the person who's mouth they came from won't even read this.
because he obviously doesn't care.
and it's stupid, because I do.
now, out of all times.
maybe it's because he's forgotten me, moved on.
and the realization of that has made me miss him even more.
or maybe the fact that I'll never fucking see him again.
because it'll turn into one of those things, "oh you have you to come visit me."
"okay, I will."
not.
never again will I see him.
I'm such a bad person.
and I don't even know why.
I'm heartless.
or, was.
now I'm feeling everything.
great.

I wonder if the people who say they're going to miss me, really are.
I mean, I know my closest friends will, but all the others who hardly know me.
I wonder if they just have nothing else to say.
and I'm siting in a hotel, about to drive the rest of the way to my new home.
while a gnat won't get out of my face.
we're loading up now.
bye.

why?

lol. I love that song.
so, I'm sitting here.
listening to oceano.
not oceana.
but oceano.
ha.
I think I'm just now starting to feel sorry.
and I think I've recently realized that I don't need relationships.
I can't do them, they aren't for me.
I always end up not wanting them in the end, and then I sabotage them.
and today I realized, that everything he did is perfect, I loved everything about him.
but he's gone.
forever.
and I'll never again find someone like him.
so I basically lost hope in everyone today.

and I also just realized that I don't rely on people.
sure, I have best friends, but in my eyes, no one knows me like I do, but sometimes I don't even know me.
I can usually predict what I'm going to do, unlike anyone else.
I don't let myself get too close to anyone, even if there aren't any reasons why I shouldn't.
and I don't know why I do that.
I haven't had enough heartbreak in my life to have that as an excuse.
or maybe I have.
maybe I'm just hard on myself.

and today, I also realized, that I have so much dignity it's not even funny.
I was at the mall with my two friends today, and some other people came that I didn't exactly know, and they were going through my phone to see if I had any "n00dz".
it pissed the fuck out of me.
and the other day, a guy asked me to send him one.
it's just like, if you're so fucking full of yourself to ask that of me, then there must be an awful lot of girls who actually do that.
and it's almost unbelievable that anyone would do  that.
to trust horndogs with a naked picture of themself, trust that they won't show it to their friends, have it sent around.
there's no way I could do that.
or would let myself do that.
and it just annoyed me so much.

or maybe I just don't trust people enough.
but even if that is the case, it's true, because I don't trust people.
there are only a couple people who I fully trust.
and I don't even fully trust them if I can't rely on them.
so I almost feel like I'm in it alone.
and I wonder if this is normal, or if I'm the only one who feels the way  I do.

I would write what I'm feeling, the purpose for this blog, but I don't even know what I'm feeling.
so I really can't.
so I'm gonna talk about materialistic things.
so I'm sitting/laying here, listening to "when the sun sleeps" by underoath.
and now I changed it to "a moment suspended in time".
and I'm talking to my friend devin, that I met at the beach last week.
he hooked up with my best friend that I went with.
and I met this guy at this thing called magiquest.
he was really cute.
and seemed cool.
and I made out with him.
and I sort of feel like a whore, but I don't regret it.
but it sucks because we don't talk anymore.
I guess it was just a hookup for him.
but who knows.
and I don't really care anymore.
I'm just ready to move.
I'm ready for change.
I want to get my horse, and start riding again.
keep me busy.
I want to start school, meet new people, and honestly, meet more guys.
I want to be busy, and not have time to think about things.
because thinking always gets me into trouble.
and I'm watching tenacious d.
well basically on mute, because I'm listening to underoath.
so I'm leaving in a week.
and I'm so ready.

now didn't I?
I'm a pretty fucking heartless person.
and I warned you.
but no, you just had to jump right in.
well these were the consequences.
bye.

so I'm a liar.
and a hypocrite.
but aren't we all these days?
I'm not perfect.
I want.
I need.
sometimes probably too much, and sometimes too little.
but none of us our perfect.
so don't expect more of me than you should.
because you'll just get let down in the end.
so I'm going to go ahead and apologize, even if I don't always mean it.

I'm sitting here trying to figure out what that ^ means.
something along the lines of, superiors are uneasy?
uneasy in what, though.
in life?
in their superior-ness?
I have no idea.
and I sound stupid.

so I was with people yesterday, people I usually don't hang out with.
they've changed.
and I think for the better.
just like I have.
I could somewhat relate to them, and it felt good.
and I used to always want to sit at home and do nothing, but I don't anymore.
I didn't think there were any worthy people in this town, worthy of my time.
but there are.
I thought everyone here was fake and had their noses stuck in everyone else's business, but that's not the case.
and I just lost my train of thought..
I hate having ADHD.
but I hardly have 2 weeks left here, and I want to spend those last two weeks with meaningful people.
tonight, I'm going "ghost-hunting" with a friend who's also moving.
and his other friends that I don't know, but that doesn't matter, all the reason to miss it here more.

but things are starting to look up again.
as soon as I arrive in Virginia, I'm going to be involved with 4-H.
which is something I love.
and I'll start my search for a horse.
I really hope my mom doesn't bail out on buying me one this time.
and you know what, if things turn out badly, I'll just sleep all day.
even if the worst part is waking up, and I always have bad dreams about what's going on, I'll still be out of the real world, and maybe have some control of what happens in my dream world.

I think I'm the kind of person who finds something, and sticks to it.
no matter what.
whether it's good or bad.
like for example, I just thought about how I should blame everything on how I have no control on what goes on.
but I actually do.
I have a choice.
I can either be happy, and look on the bright side of things.
I've never really been that kind of person.
or I can be depressed and hateful.
I haven't exactly been that either.
I don't even know what I am.
just a big jumble of a emotions that no one, nor I, can understand.
but maybe they aren't there to be understood.
maybe they're there to make it known that I actually do have emotions, that I'm not completely lifeless.
yet.

or maybe they're not there for any particular reason.
who knows.
I don't know why I keep on going like this.
I've been like this lately, just thinking everything out of everything, trying to figure everything out.
which is weird, because the other day, I didn't care.
about anything.
I had that, "fuck everything, I'm miserable", outlook.

and I can't help but wonder, if I'm the only one who thinks like this, or if I'm just another person.
if I'm nothing special.
or if I have great intelligence.
or if I'm just another girl, with the same outlook on the world as everyone else, but I can actually somewhat put it into words.
or maybe I just bother to try.

another bad thing about me.
I always want to know everything.
and I'll go to great lengths to figure things out.
it isn't good.
people get hurt in the process, and not just me.
maybe it is good in some cases, but in the cases I've seen it, it isn't good at all.
I get myself into trouble, I make a fool out of myself.
I just need to stop.
but the thing is, I can't.
I've grown so adapted to saying what I want, doing what I want, thinking what I want, that I can't stop it.
and in my eyes, that's a good thing.
it makes me the individual I am.
and I'm getting really dizzy.
bye.